A friend posted this on Facebook this morning, and it got me thinking. If you don’t feel like reading it, it basically says that as mothers, we are our daughters’ biggest role model when it comes to weight and body image. That scares the shit out of me.
My body image is in the toilet since having a baby. In my opinion, my body image is in the toilet because my body looks horrible, so I don’t actually think I am unjustified in thinking that. But apparently, I am wrong. Look, I don’t want to make this a post about my actual body, even though I am going to talk about it. I’m not fishing for compliments, I’m not looking for editorial because I am thinnner/ heavier than you. I have issues with my post- child body, and I know a zillion women who do too. This is my struggle.
I never had weight issues. I never had body issues before having a child. I wasn’t the biggest fan of how I looked in shorts, but I think that’s just because I’m not the biggest fan of shorts. I was 108lbs before I got pregnant. I ate whatever the hell I wanted, I smoked a pack a day and went out for drinks with friends a few times a week. My stomach was flat, my ass was high. I am only kind of kidding when I say that my husband married me for my butt. It was a spectacle to behold. Now its in my socks. My (bigger) boobs make me nuts and my stomach flops over my waistband. My thighs rub together so violently that I have lost many a pair of jeans to inner thigh holes.
I joke about it, but it affects every part of my life, every day. My husband will find me in my underwear staring at myself in the mirror grabbing and pinching and squeezing parts of me that were not there before. I don’t want him to look at me, nevermind touch me. It makes me feel awful that I shy away from my own husband. He watched me give birth. He watched a baby get pushed out of my body, but I don’t think he can handle 12 extra pounds? We have had many, many conversations that begin and end with me in tears, disgusted with how my body looks, how I think he thinks my body looks. I remember throwing on a bathing suit for the beach and not thinking twice about it. Now I hem and haw for hours about which is the least hideous looking. I have sat on the sand in jeans while the rest of my group runs on the beach in their bathing suits. I am so self- conscious and afraid of judgement that I sabotage my own good time for the sake of vanity. I understand that no one is looking. I understand that I am not 25, and child or no child, I am getting older and my body has, and will continue to, change. I know that this body made and carried and delivered the most amazing child. I know that each pregnancy leaves battle scars on your body. I know that my body is strong and capable. But I don’t care. I want to be skinny again.
I’m sure you are saying “Well then, do something about it”. Which is comical. I was on Weight Watchers for a year. I lost 13lbs. I ran 3 miles every day, even in the winter. I have run four 5K races (my 5th is this Saturday). I have done Insanity. I have done kickboxing. I have done it. And I’ve done everything long enough to know that they weren’t working for me. And I have since hired a personal trainer to hopefully help me figure out what it is that does work. So, I weight train. And I do heavy cardio. And I train for my 5k. I’ve been told to ignore the scale and focus on my clothes and how I feel. And I still feel like a fat shit.
Could it be that I have Body Dysmorphia? Could it be that I am still a hot piece of ass and everyone sees it but me? Nope! I know my body fat percentage is high(er), and that I need to work at it to get back to where I was. I sit here, 12 hours from leaving for our beach vacation, almost in tears over what bathing suit I should bring that will cause the least amount of friction (literally and metaphorically). I just see these women who have 2 or 3 kids looking like they never were pregnant. And it frustrates me. I work so hard to look the way I want, and two years later, I’m still not there. Will I ever be? Will I even be satisfied if I ever do hit my old weight again? I don’t know. I just know that if I am the biggest influence on how my daughter will see herself, she is in big trouble. I would be so sad to think that she ever would judge herself the way I do. I don’t want her to gauge her self- worth based on how thin her thighs are. But apparently, I think that’s acceptable for me? Where did I go wrong? How do I fix this? How do I project the idea that who she is as a person on the inside is more important than the number on the scale? She is the most perfect thing I could ever imagine, and so I need to start being more positive about my body and my self- worth so that I don’t pass this on to her. It would break my heart to know that she doesn’t see how amazing she is. No matter what size she is.
Mommy Said a Bad Word 